Living Through the Depression

We have all suffered with depression at some time in our life. For me it was this spring. I wanted to go to our bi-yearly family reunion. It was not to be. Low blood count and chronic fatigue was the diagnosis.

I was placed on high dosages of iron and multiple vitamins. "Four weeks and you will be your old self." said my doctor. He was so pleased with himself that I became excited too. I would follow his instructions to the letter.

Funny, my four weeks turned into eight. all the way up to the first day of the reunion I was sure I would wake up well and ready to go. I, however, was in no condition to travel. So, I spent that week and the next continuing to build my energy.

This weekend I received the following DVD from an extremely talented duo, "The King and I". I remember when they recorded this song. At that time they were both going through some very blue times. But working together they lived through their state of depression and this week produced this beautiful video.

"Savin Me" reminds us all that the first step in being saved starts from within.



Their web site www.kingandi.info is loaded with colorful language. So if you feel you maybe offended by strong language, PLEASE DO NOT visit their site. I do hope you enjoy Savin Me!



SAVIN ME


This song can be purchased at www.kingandi.biz

My Not So Private Life Desires

This is my open letter to my future. I have taken the time to put into this video how I want my future to progress.

More years than I sometimes like to count, I learned the advantage of writing down what I wanted in my life. To my surprise, I did not always like what I thought I "just had to have." But, there it would be. My must have request bright and shiny starring me right in the face.

Practice taught me the importance of being specific. So when I was introduced to vision boards, I was ecstatic. It was my short cut to my future desires. I walked past that board with my photographs, newspaper clippings and magazine articles neatly glued to my board. I touched it, starred at it and talked to it daily.

By far, my favorite way of being clear about what I want has been with movie making. I love creating movies. It is one of my favorite hobbies. I would love to say that it is the easiest. But that it not the truth. It is the one that gives me the best joy. I enjoy turning a word just so. Or changing the color to fit seamlessly into the next frame. I enjoy the creative process. And adore the final results.

A lot of the depression we suffer with derives from the feeling of uselessness. Creating videos gives me that feeling of usefulness. And, yes, I find that all the process of focusing on what you want and making that clear request works. My two favorite things are;
1. Ask for what I want. Go big or go home. Ask.
2. Then believe I will receive it. That is our job. Having faith.

The how is not and never has been my job. So I wait. If an action is required of me, I will be given inspired thought concerning that action. Then, and only then, I act.

Here is my latest video. It is my no longer private life desires!

Six Things That Make Me Smile

I was recently tagged by my dear blogger friend, Jeanne at Jeanne's Endo Blog to list six things that make me smile. First, I like Jeanne who works tirelessly creating endometriosis awareness. There is so much miss information floating around the web concerning endometriosis and for that reason, Jeanne's blog backs up her information with the latest medical findings. Jeanne's dedication makes me smile.

Jeanne recently produced her first vlog (video blog) and it is excellent. She is a soft spoken young lady but her words are powerful and informative. Jeanne is determined to get legitimate information published in mainstream media magazines.

One of the people who can make that happen is Mariela Azcuy. Ms Azcuy is Senior Associate Director for Ladies Home Journal, More, and Siempre Mujer magazines. You can help make Jeanne's efforts successful by contacting Ms Azcuy. Her contact information is listed below.

Mariela Azcuy
Senior Associate Director of PR
Ladies' Home Journal More and Siempre Mujer Magazines
Meredith Corp.
125 Park Ave, 17th Floor
NYC 10017
mariela.azcuy@meredith.com


go ahead, MAKE ME SMILE!!!
Family gathering always make me smile. The photo below is of my step mom, my father, two of my younger sisters and my only son, who is my care giver. These smiling faces put depression on the run.


Blogging makes me smile. During a recent bout with chronic fatigue, it became too tiring, to go across the hall to my office. So, I adjust, and move the bones of my office to my bedroom. I am so happy with my new area. And, yes, I smiled.

I love looking out my kitchen window and seeing the waterfalls that lead to my pond. It makes me smile because my son built it for me. He created a natural beauty on the side of the hill and it looks as if it has always been there. I like watching the water flow in the summer... as well as the winter months. Yes, it makes me smile. And brings comfort to my chronic pain. It is my alternative medicine for many illnesses.

Mornings make me smile. Now that is an affirmation that I can say with enthusiasm. Some mornings are so magnificient that I just stand and gaze in amazement. This was one such morning. Just before the sun topped the ridge, it lit up the sky as if the world was on fire. I was fortunate enough to capture this beautiful shot.

I like feed back form my blogging friends. This is a picture I received from Pamela at Pam's Garden Space. Pam sent me this photo of her quite space. It was in response to an article I had post regarding the importance of creating Peaceful Spaces At Home. Positive interacting with others makes me smile.

How BEAUTIFUL Pamela.

Now for a list of other bloggers who make me smile;
Renee @ My Autumn Years
Shauna @ Life In Pain and Other Fun Things
Carole @ Missing Ingredient Coaching
Ambri @ Ambri's Indego
Shauna @ Trying To Stay Calm
Sheri @ Angellviews
Mark @ Healing Music Emporium
Chick @ Migraine Chick
Please visit their sites and make them smile by leaving a comment on their latest blog.

Bringing in the Holidays with the Flower of Friendship Award

With the Christmas holiday upon us, it is easy for the chronically ill to feel lonely and depressed.

Doctors are so aware of the problem of depression and suicide this time of year that they make a point of asking if your family situation has changed and how are you going to spend your holiday.

During this season, people who are debilitated start to reflect on their loss of good health, loss of job, loss of friends, loss of home, lack of food, etc. Their losses can take center stage at this time. And, in some cases send them to a place of no return.

That is why this award was so welcomed when I received it from Carole King at Inspired Journey. It let me know that someone thought of me. Carole took time out of her day to remind me that I have a friend who cares. Carole is indeed a good friend and it is nice to know that she feels the same way.

So, now it is time for me to reconize a few of my other friends. If your name appears below,
(A) download the badge
(B) upload it to your site
(C) link back to this blog
(D) spread the love to at least seven other bloggers

And my friends are;
1. Mixed up Optimistic Pessimist
2. Psyche Analyzed
3. Heart Failure Solutions
4. The Spirit Knows Best
5. Chronic Chick Talk
6. Seeking Inner Peace
7. The Golden Flow of the Law of Attraction

Be well my friends!!!

Forgive, Release And Validation Are Words That Can Change Your Relationship With The Chronically Ill

Fall colors stand out against the evening sky. On this autumn evening in October, I snapped a shot of a tree holding on to the last rays of the setting sun.

Holding on to painful memories and the belief that someone we love did something to us that was unfair, that suffering with a chronic illness is unfair or that your financial situation is unfair serves no useful purpose.

It is time to let go of those thoughts that stimulate negative feelings and decide to reach for the light that points toward positive direction. Before the sun sets today. Forgive someone. And, don't forget to forgive yourself.


Is it 'Nesse', the Loch Ness Monster? It certainly gives the illusion of Ole Nesse. But it is a tree stretching its imaginary neck into the evening sky.

As the sun sets for the evening, it shines on the fall leaves illuminating their colors in the trees.

The green leaves representing summer and the slight colorful ones representing summer's ability to release its ownership of the land and hand it over to autumn.

What do you need to release or let go of to feel peace within?

This picture of the sun rising is beautiful and yet, complex. While I marveled at the beauty of the morning sky, I knew that these blue, orange, golden yellow, wisp of white and black clouds meant a dramatic change in the weather was on its way.

It is a lot like a vast number of people suffering with a chronic illness. Looks are deceiving. The inside can be in constant pain and the mind in disarray, while looking good on the outside.This has to be the number one complaint of people who suffer with a chronic illness; "My family dismiss my claims of fatigue, pain and depression because they believe I look too good to be sick.".

You cannot fix their problems and they are aware of that. However, you hold the answer to the end of a lot of stress and depression. Validity. Validating that you know they may not feel well today, is a major key to easing a lot of tension in your relationship with the chronically ill. "Go ahead, make their day." A dramatic change could be on the way!

Autumn Gratitude

There are many ways to help stave off depression and to feel grateful for our lives. This video demonstrates one of them. It gives you short sentences to up lift and encourage you to appreciate and be grateful for just being YOU.

Sometimes we are so sick that we cannot remember to say anything good about ourselves or to anyone else. That attitude serves to keep us in that dark hole of depression longer.

View the video and then think of the beauty that is in your life. The beauty you are grateful for. It might be the bright smile of a child. It might be the tender touch of your significant other. It might be the quite time you spend alone with your Devine Creator-your Source-your God.

Reach deep within and find that place of peace. Remember who you are. Allow the smile that has been waiting to appear on your face to shine through. Let yourself enjoy today. It is the only time we really have. Why not make it the best day of your life.

You Can Come Out Of Depression.

There is a feeling of loss of YOU. There are days, weeks, months or even years, when you feel that your soul is literally in a dark deep hole. You may or may not have a physical illness, but fatigue leaves you with no energy to get out of bed. Sadness consumes your entire day. Moreover, you have thoughts of death or suicide. You are quite possibly a victim of clinical depression. Whether or not you stay the victim is up to you.

Almost anything can cause depression

• You are aging and are not physically capable of living your life the way you have previously.
• You have an illness (maybe even several illnesses) or injury that is limiting your life style.
• You have lost a love one (including a pet) and the loss seems more important than your desire to live on.
• You are separating, separated, divorcing, divorced or just plan lonely and you do not believe anyone will care if you are gone.
• You have retired, lost your job or had to end your career on disability and now, unexpectedly, feel useless and or guilty.

These are signs of clinical depression.

Your first step is to stop thinking of yourself as a victim and take control of your situation. The first step toward improving any situation is to change the way YOU feel about the situation.

• Call and set up an appointment to speak with you family doctor. Notice that the term I used was "speak with".
• Take a list of your present medications and a list of your symptoms.

The list of medications can alert your doctor if you are suffering with a reaction to multiple medications. The list of your symptoms will help you remember just what you are going through.You are able to speak with him and give him a comprehensive blueprint of your situation. You are in control of your doctor's visit. He is now able to prescribe test and x-rays. The results of the test will guide your doctor in determining if you have a brain tumor or are suffering with clinical depression or something else. If it is a brain tumor, you and your doctor will determine in which direction to proceed. If the diagnosis is clinical depression, your doctor may suggest medication, a psychologist or both.

Living in depression is dangerous and deadly. I consider myself an inside expert. This blog is not to give you my medical advice. That could be just as deadly, not to mention illegal. It is to give you information from someone who has suffered with it on and off for over thirty years. I am someone who has walked in your shoes and overcome its potentially deadly grip. Your shoes were so tight on my feet that I contemplated suicide two times. Now I realize that in each instance, the only thing that kept me from carrying out that pressing desire was I found something to live for. In those instances, dying seemed so much easier than living. I found something to live for.

My first encounter with depression was at the age of 24. My marriage was starting to deteriorate. I did not know what to do to get it back on track. I felt lost and alone. I was an active churchgoer. But I would not have dreamed of telling my minister (my father's best friend) that my husband had been unfaithful and to get back at him I had an affair also. I had committed adultery-a sin. I was that quite lady who was at the front of the church, with family in tow, each Sunday morning. It all looked good. However, it was a mess. It felt messy.

I very seldom went into a liquor store. However, I did that evening. I bought a fifth of wine. I drove to the edge of the river where the boats go into the water and I set there. I cried and I drank wine. I reminisced over how wonderful my marriage had been and tried to understand how it had gone so wrong. I set there looking at the water and thinking that all I had to do was to put the car in drive and put my feet on the gas. I could not swim. No one would know where to look for me and no one would care.

Somewhere In all that sadness, I saw our child. He is my only son. He is the child for whom I would do anything. Would I live for him? Or would I leave him here to wonder why his mother chose to kill herself. Would I leave him here to wonder if it were something, he said or did? Would I leave him here for other people to tell my story? What would that story be? No one knew what was going on in our family (not my friends and not my family). Moreover, who would raise my five year old? How would they raise him? Because of my actions, would he grow up to one day take his own life? Yes! I found my reason to live in the eyes of my son. I could not I would not leave him!

Twelve years later, an arthroscopic knee repair, a gallbladder removal surgery and a total knee replacement within fifteen months kept me homebound. Before my family doctor diagnosed my Rheumatoid Arthritis and my gynecologist diagnosed my gallbladder problems, I had been sick for years. I went through countless medications and examinations before I found the doctors who diagnosed my illness correctly. Nevertheless, I still suffered sharp pain that would stop me in my tracks. Despite countless tests by specialist, no doctor found it. Scar tissue from a previous hysterectomy completely blocked my colon. That was the reason for the sharp pains and that was why I found myself in emergency surgery. Within two years, I had four surgeries. Then I realized that something was not quite right at home again. My marriage had ended. I just did not know it. The-none- funny thing was; I did not see it coming.

This time I was not suicidal. I was angry, hurt, sad, and I felt terribly alone. I was clinically depressed. My doctor prescribed anti depressant medication. What resulted was someone who did not cry, did not complain and easily managed. I found myself complying with whatever was asked of me. I stayed in that marriage five more years. I had to come off the medication to find the strength to tell MYSELF enough! I am not telling anyone to stop his or her medication. What I am saying is there may come a time that you no longer need the medication. It is up to you and your doctor to decide when that time is.

The last depression was the big one. A combination of medical problems made it impossible to continue my career. I fought medical retirement with every ounce of energy I had. It really is true that "what you resist persist". I had surgery on my right knee twice in eight months. In addition to Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteoarthritis was causing my spine to deteriorate. I developed Type2 Diabetes, High blood pressure, Men Eire's Disease, glaucoma and chronic fatigue. Between the clinical depression and the combination of medications, I slept more hours than I was awake. When I awoke, I was still in chronic pain. I felt and looked sick. I needed the assistance of a walker or a cane most of the time. In addition, I felt that I was in financial ruin. I saw no end to the whole situation. I got into my car with the intent of not returning home. However, instead I found myself at my mother's grave. I remember setting there talking to her through my tears as if she were setting in front of me. I do not know how long I was there. It was one of those ugly cries. I cried so had that my entire body shook. I fell asleep on top of her grave. When I awoke, I was no longer hysterical. I felt at peace.

I returned home and called to talk to a therapist. I talked to him for several hours. He made an appointment for evaluation. Hospitalization was not required. I was on suicide watch, by my family, for about two months. For two months, I was never alone. In addition, I was again on medication. This time I took anti depressants for about two years and I was working through therapy for about a year. I understood my disability, but I could not understand this overpowering sadness.

In the thirty years that I worked, something that I never thought I would say is "I missed the people whom I worked with. I missed certain aspects of my job". I understood my illness. However, I could not understand the longing to be back with the people I worked with. At a recent Retirement Dinner, I received my answer. Eleven out of the twelve former employees I talked with said they too went through clinical depression when they retired. Some made a point to mention that it took several years for them to get over it.

What I know now is this; I may not be able to change my situation, but I can change my attitude and my thinking about my situation.

I was afraid. Fear is paralyzing. I was afraid to make, what I thought were, major decisions. I was afraid that I could not live financially comfortably once I went on disability. I was afraid of how people would judge my disability and me. I was afraid of losing the people around me. I was afraid of losing the things I had accumulated. I was afraid of dying. Some days I was afraid I would live.

What I learned is this

• Living in fear is leaving in a state of resistant to change. Resisting change causes anxiety and depression.
• It does not matter what anyone else says or does. What I say about me determines what I believe about me.
• What someone thinks about me is of no consequence to me. How I feel about me changed my life.
• If someone leaves, then it is time for them to go. I may or may not miss them. Nevertheless, it is time for us to part.
• My living situation has changed. I do not worry about how perfect my house is or is not. I enjoy my home as it is today. If I feel like cleaning, I will clean. If I do not and I have company, I enjoy my company.
• The Bible says it best "This too shall pass". Good or bad, life changes from moment to moment. I no longer fear those moments. I accept that they are and adjust accordingly.
  

I love to hear and fell my heartbeat. It makes me grateful to be alive! I now know how to stay that way.